because it always makes me feel better...

I was just reading a recent Facebook status post by a friend about his personal struggles with anxiety, and it reminded me a lot of myself. Many years ago and literally just as I moved to New York, I would have crippling anxiety attacks at night that would render me sleepless and paralyze my breathing. There were occasions when I would lie in bed in complete fear that my heart would rip out of my chest from the speed at which it would beat. I’m not a big fan of being medicated, so I would usually just let the feeling take over me and exhaust my mind to the point where I would pass out into a restless night of terrifying dreams about death, failure, loneliness and never finding what in life I have been searching for. I attribute a lot of that with my inability to deal with the loss of my parents… more about that some other time in a different post. I don’t want this to become too much of a doom and gloom story.

Anyhow… when I moved to New York, I was once sitting in my office with the lights off - people called it the bat cave because I only used a desk lamp for light. The overhead lighting was a harsh bright white light that reminded me of the days when I used to work as an RDA in a dental office, and the fluorescents would screw with my vision. On the morning after another one of those long nights, I just couldn’t handle the feeling of being taken under by something that I had control over. Although now I know I can control those feelings; back then it felt more like my subconscious mind was commanding me into a deep depressive state. I did figure that one out in therapy…. Glad to know at least I learned something.

So as I was on my way out of the office for lunch, I found myself wandering aimlessly down 42nd Street. I really did not have a single clue as to where I was going. My stomach wasn’t hungry and I just felt like I had tunnel vision and couldn’t notice anything going on around me. Somehow I managed to land at the door step of Holy Cross. If you’ve ever walked by, it’s definitely not the equivalent of say a Saint Patrick’s Cathedral. In fact it’s the complete opposite. Consider it to be the Dunkin’ Donut’s version of a high end Italian café. Holy Cross is a working man’s kind of place. You go in… get your business with God done and you go out. Some people just like to go in because it’s nice and quiet in the middle of all the chaos that is Times Square. You might even catch a homeless person (or two) taking a nap if you look close. You might think they are praying with their head down on the pew, but in reality they are looking for a break from being out on the street all day. Who can blame them?

Just as I walked in, I happened to catch the last few minutes of service as this really stout older Italian man was reciting a phrase that seemed like he was directing it specifically to me, “Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety…”

I still have a hard time coming to terms with God and haven’t taken time to deal with those feelings just yet. Because every time I have to question why he took MY parents it makes me angry at religion and faith and those things that we have no control over. Over time I have learned that the message in faith is that we really have no control in life… ZERO. The more we attempt to control those things around us, the harder our life becomes and the greater our anxieties over those struggles become. It’s more work than it is worth. I’ve learned to let go and have faith in myself, and in the things that are purposefully put in front of me - whether they are challenges or blessings.

Obviously it could be written off as a coincidence that I happened to walk into Father Peter’s service at the exact moment he said those words, but I have to believe and have faith that God placed me there so I could find peace in my day and protection from sin and anxiety. I repeat that phrase to myself every time I get nervous about life… because really that is all I can do. Isn’t it?