Will you hold my hair while I puke for a minute?

I really hate doing this but there are moments in life when you just have to spew your guts and get the sickness that is rolling around in the pit of your stomach out. This could have an impact on my life (if someone at work reads this), but even if it did… at this point I’m not sure how invested I am in salvaging what is left.

You might have noticed that it’s been a while since I’ve posted any sort of update. There was a point a few months back, when I could manage my work load and school load well enough that I still had a pretty good sense of balance. Life was harmonious and the future looked extremely bright. Somewhere between then and now that all changed. My heart was happily content and for some reason that didn’t seem good enough to me. Why I insist on making my life more difficult every time I find happiness is beyond me? Really? Can someone just explain why I always get the urge to sabotage my future every single time things are going right.

Is it ambition? Is it to avoid complacency? Is it because maybe I really do have undiagnosed ADD, and my therapist still has yet to notice? I really should go see him at some point soon, because honestly I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I am waist deep in stress and too close to the edge. To give you a better sense of what has happened lately let me give you a recap.

On the previous episode of InSearchofLily’s sanity… Lily decided to quit her perfectly fine job as a digital media account executive because SHE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO! Wait…. not that she didn’t have ENOUGH….. she is just TOO much of an over achiever and felt that the pace at work needed to be more strenuous, so she could have something to come home and complain about.

Well God must have been listening in to the conversations I was having with myself because guess what….. I HAVE TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE! Can you please send it back to the kitchen and tell the Chef the double dose of stress was unnecessary and is causing me severe abdominal pain?

I am about six weeks into a brand new job that I only took for the money. Yes… I whored myself out for cash. That is the damn truth. I kept thinking that if I could stick it out and “work hard”, I would get ahead in life and have enough money to “never have to worry”. Funny how in retrospect now all I do is worry.

Ye be not so stupid as to quit a good job to work for something as materialistic as an increase in salary. What’s even more ironic now is the fact that all I can dream about doing is working in a kitchen for minimum wage as a happy chef, so I can create culinary delights and put a smile of people’s faces.

Where did I go wrong? How did I get caught up in wanting a life devoid of happiness, but full of financial prosperity? Will there ever be a happy balance again?